


What A Waste (To Be So Alone)

by AbsolutelyNob



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Angst, Introspection, he beats himself up over the events of the games, not so sure if this counts but i'll tag it anyway, two years after cell games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26261989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsolutelyNob/pseuds/AbsolutelyNob
Summary: “I just feel nothing sometimes, have you ever felt that before? Do you know what it’s like to be in a state of no emotion? I feel nothing in particular about anything right now. It makes me think that I’m just hollow. Does that make any sense?”Never before has this boy been able to instill fear in him. He just didn’t think it was possible, until this very moment.. . . . .Gohan must learn to deal with the fact that he wields an incredible power.
Kudos: 13





	What A Waste (To Be So Alone)

“I just feel nothing sometimes, have you ever felt that before? Do you know what it’s like to be in a state of no emotion? I feel nothing in particular about anything right now. It makes me think that I’m just hollow. Does that make any sense?” He flits his deep brown eyes upwards to look at his mentor. When Piccolo first started training Gohan all those years ago, he had actually been convinced that they were just a pure black, startling at first, but the intense kindness and unwavering trust they held for the green man who had basically kidnapped him managed to put him at ease about them. But now, staring at those same eyes that truly harbored nothing behind them, Piccolo felt dread. Never before has this boy been able to instill fear in him. He just didn’t think it was possible, until this very moment.

But right now, this boy needs him. Gohan actively seeked him out in the dead of night with the request of a spar on his tongue, but he didn’t even need to say a word before Piccolo settled into his fight stance, clearly able to discern the signs of tension in his body. It was only when Piccolo kept landing hit after hit on an obviously distracted Gohan that he decided to call it and demand to know what the real purpose of his visit was.

“Yes,” he finally answers after pondering it for a moment. “Although I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced it to the same extent as you are right now. It’s important to have a blank mind when meditating, as you know, but to feel absolutely nothing the way you describe is not something I’m too familiar with.”

“Yeah,” Gohan breaks eye contact, and Piccolo hates how relieved he feels by that. “I was expecting you to say something like that. Sorry to disturb you, I’ll go. Thanks for the spar, Mr. Piccolo.” And before he has the chance to get a word in, Gohan is already levitating off the rocky cliff and giving a small wave before flying off in a burst of power.

He could have easily gone after him, but it was very clear that Gohan needed time to think on his own, and to be honest, some part of Piccolo was afraid to go after him. He’d rather not have to see those eyes again anytime soon. If he had to compare them to anything, it’d have to be two years ago during the cell games after Android 16 was killed. No one had expected so much rage and strength from the 11 year-old, but even then, at least there had been some sort of driving emotion behind his piercing blue eyes. What Piccolo had just seen now was exactly what Gohan had said: nothing. And it was so uncharacteristic of him that he may actually prefer anger to whatever this is. There’s only so much he can do, though, and he did say that this was only an occasional thing, so it wasn’t a pressing matter as far as he’s concerned. The real problem will be when it becomes a more permanent state of being.

When Gohan touches base in the middle of a forest he found on the other side of the country an hour later, he immediately makes an attempt to fix this problem. But how do you go about not feeling nothing? Well, start by trying to force yourself to feel one of the easiest emotions possible.

So Gohan bends his knees, flexes his muscles, and yells. The power he emits is incredible, and he is immediately enveloped in a blue expanse of energy. He starts small-- or, well, as small as a Saiyan of his caliber can start-- and gradually begins to add fuel to the burning fire inside. It’s such an incredible thing, he realizes. That this gift he carries in his blood is enough to bring the very world to its knees. And if he ever had the desire to do so, there’s no one on the planet who could oppose him. Vegeta could very much try, but it would be in vain.

As the power in him grows with every passing second, the cold that had seeped into his bones at the beginning of the night fades away, rapidly replaced by the warmth emanating from his very core and enveloping his entire being. This power is a birthright that he was forced to drag into the light at the young age of four, and has since then nurtured it into the force of nature it is today. And now, in his time of need, it embraces him back, bringing relief in the knowledge that when all else fails, Gohan can always rely on this.

He transitions into Super Saiyan without realizing it, lost in the revelation that _yes_ , he _can_ do anything. He’s stronger than any other Saiyan that has ever lived, evident by the fact that his father was the first Super Saiyan in existence (according to Frieza), so then what else is he to make of achieving Super Saiyan 2? He has such an incredible power, that much is indisputable, so then, how could he have lost to Cell? In the fight that mattered most, he allowed his inflated ego to get the best of him, and look what that led to.

The light around him grows brighter still.

And really, who does he think he is? He becomes the strongest guy in the area and suddenly he has the right to be smug about it? What happened to all the manners his mom instilled in him as a young child? Why was he so quick to let go of his humanity in favor of a more Saiyan mindset? That’s the type of shit Vegeta would pull, not him. And yet he did anyway. The more he thinks about it, the angrier he gets. And, oh, isn’t that the point?

He’s screaming now. He keeps going.

He can feel energy signatures heading his way, but they pose no threat. The thought of fighting an enemy right now makes him feel sick. Yet, it makes his alien heart pump just a bit faster in excitement all the same. He has the desire to redeem himself somehow. The desire to prove to everyone that he _can_ wield this power; that he _is_ deserving of it; that he can _win_ . What if. . . what if he fought _them_ ? Then they would all see firsthand that he isn’t just a scared kid who backs down in the face of the impossible. _He could demolish them in seconds_. They would have no choice but to. . . he’s going insane. Everyone flying to him assumes he’s going against a foe of some kind, not that he’s having a mental crisis by himself in the middle of nowhere. Really, what the hell is he even doing anymore?

He drops his ki before it crosses over to Super Saiyan 2 territory, letting it plummet to that of basically nothing. He briefly recognizes how bad of a sign that could be to everyone before realizing that he doesn’t quite care. His throat burns. The ground beneath him is cracked and the trees around him are destroyed. The forest is deafeningly quiet for obvious reasons. 

He’s tired. He decides he wants to go home now.

Not up to the chore of giving any sort of explanation to the others, he goes to leave before they can arrive. Hovering off the ground for a quick second, he silently resolves to come back at another point to clean up a bit; he’s made a mess of the place. He shoots into the night sky in a brilliant burst of white light without so much as a glance back.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Gohan is one of my favorite characters of all time, and I love to read about him in disarray over the fact that he's so incredibly strong but doesn't know how to handle it. Gohan angst is a guilty pleasure of mine but it's kinda hard to find.  
> Leave a comment if you feel so inclined, I would love to hear any thoughts about this or just Gohan in general lol


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